- Do not let your father help you pick your outfit. This subjects you to comments like, ‘I wore a very similar jumper to a Bruce Springsteen concert once.’ This will scar you for life.
- Do not ask your Labrador for a hug before you leave. He will run off to the washing basket and return with your new step-mother’s knickers to give as a good luck gift. This will scar you for life.
- Do not go into the wrong building and accidentally interrupt an amateur tin whistle competition. This will scar you for life.
- Do not say, ‘right back atcha’ and do a weird clicky thing with your fingers when your boss says that it’s nice to meet you. She will give you a look. This will scar you for life.
- Do not pretend you know how to work a coffee machine when you don’t. You will press all the buttons, steam will start shooting out of nowhere, an alarm will go off and your hot male fellow intern will run over, sort it out and say something like, ‘maybe you should just sit quietly and not touch anything.’ This will scar you for life.
- Do not get distracted when you’re meant to be learning how the filing system works. You will end up guessing how to do it and then will overhear the boss saying, ‘has Jabba the Hutt been let loose on our filing or something?!’ This will scar you for life.
- Do not try to answer a question and drink at the same time. You will spill hot tea all over yourself and cry out, ‘OWCABANGA!’ Everyone will stare and one guy will start slow clapping. This will scar you for life.
- Do not answer the phone in a fake Irish accent to liven up your day. The caller on the other end will actually be Irish and you will end up deeply insulting a very important client. This will scar you for life.
- Do not attempt to make friends by doing an impression that involves enthusiastically flinging your arms out. The CEO will walk past at that moment and you will hit her right in the face. This will scar you for life.
- Do not worry too much about making mistakes and being scarred for life. That’s why it’s called ‘experience’.
DAD! You’re so embarrassing, stop writing lies on my list. No one is going to fall for that crap.
- Do not write lists about tips for work experience that your mean best friend will find. She will tell everyone about the ‘OWCABANGA’ incident, including your deranged mother, who will tell the Prime Minister, who will mention it in one of her speeches as an example of getting back up when life gets you down. Yep. It’s official. You are scarred for life.
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